Daily Diary

2007: The Diary predicts... (part one)

Posted 3/01/2007 by legalweekblogs.com SU

What a year 2006 was. Mergers, M&A and the triumph that was Senior Partner, The Diary's very own (extremely) long-running unreality extravaganza, which captivated thousands with its unique blend of telling legal commentary and uproarious social satire. But what lies in wait for 2007? More mergers? Another record year for M&A? Another series of Senior Partner? Hmm.

The Diary hereby offers the first instalment of its uncannily detailed predictions for the year ahead - with the second six months to follow tomorrow. Remember - you read it here first.

January
DLA Piper makes its debut in the North Pole after opening a new office in the centre of the Arctic Ocean and promoting its first polar bear to the partnership (although not the full equity, obviously). Rumours abound that European chief executive overlord Nigel ‘Digger’ Knowles has begun drilling for merger partners beneath the Arctic ice shelf.

February
SJ Berwin rolls out its dramatic new plan to improve staff morale by sacrificing one random partner to associates every six months. “We have listened to the concerns of our staff and responded with this innovative and bone-chilling strategy,” says managing partner Ralph Cohen. However, rivals brand the move “an own-goal” and suggest that any sacrifices should be performance-related.

Meanwhile, DLA Piper appoints Henry Kissinger as a special strategic adviser with overall responsibility for its Dagenham and Luton arms.

March
The City braces itself for an influx of expansive Indian and Chinese law firms which have identified the UK as the hot emerging market for 2007.

“You only have to look at the continued reliance on the old boys network, their laughably primitive conflicts rules and the predominance of 1970s haircuts favoured by partners to realise this lot are there for the taking,” warns one Mumbai rainmaker.

April
The UK’s legal elite shows a united front as the entire magic circle pledges its lawyers will in future dedicate half their office hours to pro bono work. “Let’s face it, one Bentley apiece is probably enough,” says one managing partner, “so we decided to do what we can to help those most in need.”

The development is later revealed to be a cunning April Fool’s prank.

May
In a gesture of solidarity with downtrodden associates in London on just £60,000 or £70,000 a year, workers in sweatshops across the Philippines stage a May Day walkout to highlight the plight of their City siblings.

“We must support our brothers and sisters,” Manila street-urchin Fernando, 7, tells Legal Week. “The world must listen and open its wallet. I mean, heart.”

Completing the pincer movement, the City of London Law Society begins lobbying the Government to include junior lawyers on the list of key workers in line for priority housing.

“Associate salaries are barely enough to get a mortgage on an executive apartment by the Thames,” sobs a spokesperson for the group, “never mind buy outright a three-storey townhouse with home gymnasium and satellite entertainment suite.”

June
The regions are swept by a particularly virulent strain of merger fever thought to be related to bird flu, bringing terror to fledgling regional practices fearful of being swallowed up by the dreaded bug. Several firms take on large numbers of insurance and litigation partners to drive down profitability and stave off the predatory virus.

Meanwhile, Hammonds seals a dramatic lock-in agreement with the firm’s local boozer in Leeds. “It is a high-risk strategy but we believe lock-ins are still relevant in the era of 24-hour licenses,” an insider slurs.