With law firms certainly not averse to ‘borrowing’ good ideas from rivals — we should launch in Milan, we need to merge, we should sack everyone over 40 — it’s only a matter of time before more firms start defining themselves in terms of the animal kingdom. How about:

DLA Piper — labradoodle. Unconvincing, much-derided product of unnatural union designed to make owner look trendy.

Eversheds — pigeon. Impossible to avoid anywhere remotely urban.

Payne Hicks Beach — skunk. Not immediately dangerous until threatened, when it kicks up a monumental stink at the slightest provocation.

Slaughter and May — great white shark. Untouched by evolution for millions of years, increasingly rare relic of a bygone era but still just about the biggest fish in the sea; or perhaps — cockroach. Been around far longer than anyone can remember and will still be here after we’re all dead and gone. As apocalyptically-minded scientists often point out, in the event of nuclear holocaust, the only survivors will be cockroaches and Slaughters.

Freshfields — gecko. Able to shed entire limbs/departments when threatened by more agile predators. May spontaneously regenerate a new limb in the shape of Maurice Allen. [That’s enough ‘law firms as animals’ — Ed.]

The firm has put together a three-lawyer group to come up with a decent identity, although the spin-off’s top man, Jason Mogg, admitted to The Diary last week that he would “happily accept suggestions” from elsewhere.

Partners from rival firms were only too happy to help, although the results indicate why things like law firm branding are probably best left to the bright sparks in marketing. ‘Moggie & Co’ was the reasonably charming suggestion from one Freshfields figure, while a Clifford Chance representative went for the factually accurate but somewhat uninspiring ‘Not Linklaters (in the CEE)’.

Allen & Overy conducted a mini-poll and helpfully came up with no less than three suggestions.

“So far, we have come up with ‘Jason and the Moggonauts’,” chortled an A&O partner based in the region, “’Alliance Again’ or my personal favourite, ‘SphLinx’!”

It’s still not too late to join in the fun, however.

“They are going to have to come up with something better than that,” Mogg said after your correspondent had passed on the suggestions. “I am not impressed.”

However, The Diary heard how Paradise last week fell foul of anti-terror legislation after she was pulled over by Her Majesty’s fuzz as she toured the St James Park area. It seems the litigator was subjected to a fairly thorough cross-examination from the local constabulary before it was determined that no, she was not a cold-blooded killer working for a dastardly international terror syndicate.
 
The Diary would normally at this point make a quip about martyrs searching for Paradise but recognises that on this occasion that would be in particularly poor taste.

New Orleans-based Adams & Reese restructuring lawyer Robin Cheatham helps clients out with their chapter 11 adventures, robbing and cheating them only in the sense of depriving them of their lack of high-quality, value-added legal advice. Probably.

However, if you fancy a gig at Weil Gotshal & Manges (and who wouldn’t?) in London, applicants need only arm themselves with one secret but oh-so-simple weapon: a decent impersonation of City chief Mike Francies.

Inside sources were last week Weil-ing away The Diary’s precious few minutes in the office with tales of how even the newest recruits can riff proficiently on the famous Francies charm.

Simulation of the mid-market deal king is apparently the number-one post-work past-time for stressed flunkies – although some versions reportedly sound more like Frank Butcher than the iron-willed mandate-magnate himself.

The firm’s City sports and social committee has been in full swing ‘aligning’ those tricky cultural differences over a few glasses of wine, cheese-balls and pineapple chunks of late – with plenty of success. Indeed, The Diary hears how an email went round the US firm’s London digs after a recent love-in that may well have got a little too intimate.

“A pair of black gentleman's trousers, size 34 regular, have mysteriously found their way into office 12-03,” the missive revealed the morning after a recent bash. “Any claimants?”

As far as The Diary has heard, the trousers remain unclaimed. Meanwhile, rumours that uncompromising corporate big-hitter Camille Abousleiman has his terrified associates streaking down Mincing Lane in the name of team-bonding are, as yet, unconfirmed.

However, there is another possible explanation. For a while now the resident Camerons culture-vultures have sponsored the English National Ballet, enabling malnourished women and burly-yet-effeminate men achieve their dream of permanently crippling their bodies while wearing pastel tights.

Now it seems the favour is being returned, with scantily-clad dancers being brought in to train Camerons lawyers to improve their posture. It’s certainly a step up in class from the dancers more traditionally associated with City lawyers – namely those of the lap-based variety.

Either way, expect Camerons to start roadshowing its Deloitte-style integrated network of Polish and Russian ballerinas in the coming weeks.

Ashurst won the men’s football yet again, although this year its City team bagged the top prize after back-to-back wins for the London blueblood’s Madrid office galacticos.

Linklaters landed the trophy for women’s football, the high standard of which is demonstrated for all to see in the thrilling action shot above, while somehow a team from PricewaterhouseCoopers (boo! hiss!) got lucky enough to nab the netball trophy from Links’ ladies (pictured below) 9-8 in a highly controversial last-second finish.

And finally, here’s a totally gratuitous shot of two SJ Berwin netballers. How come the firm has trouble recruiting?

It seems that corporate chief Peter Halpin and other members of the national titan’s managerial elite have not been given specific workstations at the new Shed, in a move the firm apparently thought would foster togetherness following its switch to new City digs.

Of course, with top brass hot-desking in the open-plan savannah on a daily basis, rank-and-file Shed-heads can now benefit from even closer supervision. Which is nice for them.

Sadly, however, it seems that far from engendering team spirit, the change has not been universally welcomed and is “under review” already. Presumably whoever came up with the idea for the scheme will find themselves clearing at least one more desk in the near future.

Allen and zany sidekick Mike Goetz found themselves just a few executive boxes along from their former firm – although with so many rainmakers around it was no wonder the day’s play a virtual washout thanks to classic British summertime weather. Still, at least Allen and Goetz has had plenty of time on their hands to dish the dirt on their new Fleet Street digs.

Pinch-hitters from Baker & McKenzie and Slaughter and May were also huddled under umbrellas (or behind thick, tinted glass, anyway) not far away, as were banking types from UBS and Goldman Sachs.

With just 40 minutes play possible due to the weather, plebs in the main stands thankfully were able to claim partial refunds on their £65 admission fee. Whether Freshfields will be looking for a partial refund on its own big-ticket investment in the months ahead remains to be seen.

Having arrived in China with his business cards adorned only in English, the lawyer gave his name and contact details to a Chinese translator in order to get a bilingual version knocked up for potential clients.

However, evidently the lawyer did something to upset the translator – as revealed by the reactions of those to whom he gave the finished card, ranging from stifled sniggers to outright horror.

It seems the lawyer's name had been 'mis-translated' – perhaps by accident, perhaps not – into the rather market-unfriendly phrase ‘dog strangler’.

All of which makes David Beckham's erroneous Hebrew tattoo spelling 'Vihctoria' seem like rather small fry.

But that didn’t stop some of its partners playing a rather cruel trick on the firm’s gymnastic-fantastic publicity king, who was duped into believing his Olympian sporting exploits had been commemorated by his former school in the form of a cast-iron statue.

It was only when the media man was about to phone his old headmaster to deliver an emotional ‘thankyou’ that his workmates revealed the hoax. Unfortunately, the trick had been so wickedly woven that the ex-tumbler for a while refused to accept that was no totem to his achievements after all. Bless.

Jackson, who knocked out the costumes for free in the first example The Diary has ever heard of a pro bono stylist, certainly did justice to the dignity and grandeur of the judiciary, saying: “The idea of collar bands is retained in the coloured bands. It’s quite a big thing after 300 years of history.”

To your correspondent’s m’Luddite eye, the new designs appear not unlike the robes worn by Darth Maul, of Phantom Menace infamy, or possibly V (minus the Guy Fawkes mask and eight-inch throwing knives… for now, anyway) from V For Vendetta.

Either way, the black and red colours – emblematic both of UK fascism and, conversely, the anarchist movement – mean there should still be plenty of calls for order in court.

A size-zero Lord Chief Justice shows off his new garb

The Diary has previously reported on the dangers of turning up to training contract interviews in bejeweled flip-flops… now even flip-flops of the non-spangled kind are falling foul of the fashion police.

Over at Canary Wharf, Clifford Chancers were issued with a memo detailing the misfortune of one CC lady who tragically “had her toes mangled in the escalator”; as a result, it was concluded that flip-flops were no longer welcome in CC Towers.

However, a quick call to TfL reveals that shoelaces are regarded as far more hazardous than bare toes, rather prompting the suspicion that CC may be using the mangled-toe incident as a crafty alternative to one of those unpopular “you under-dressed oiks are lowering the tone” emails.

It seems food has been deemed one luxury too many by CC mandarins, who have slimmed down the operating hours of its onsite delicatessen and restaurant, as well as ditching the 50% subsidy for staff, effectively doubling the price of meals at its Canary Wharf citadel.

In a statement to the firm, it was explained that hungry lawyers can also expect a 6% rise in prices at the restaurants, bar and vending machines – marginally above the 4% pay-rise the City titan last week gave its associates.

Transport has also taken a hit, with iron-fisted London supremo Jeremy Sandelson revoking taxi privileges due to rising fares.

Expect pay-per-view know-how databases and toll-operated elevators to be rolled out in coming months as belts are tightened, not loosened.